I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
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I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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