Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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