the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
