You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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