I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
