just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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