Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
