It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You don't make any sense
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