i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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