i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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