there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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