I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
