If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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