I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
