what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
