Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
