i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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