Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
