My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
