Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I could have mohawked her pubes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
