note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
