a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
