I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
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I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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