i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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