haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
