I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
