Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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