Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
