My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
