He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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