Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
