I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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