my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
