I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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