I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
