did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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