an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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