U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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