I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
