Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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