I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
