PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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