I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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