The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
