Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I met the friendliest cop last night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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