One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
