I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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