the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
