I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
