Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I did not marry a roomba.
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