my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
